Dating is tough, but it’s not women that are the problem here.
Finally, the cultural conversation is catching up to what some of us have been saying for years—misogyny, and the violence that stems from it, is one of the most pressing social issues of our time. From Andrew Tate fleeing to the US, to Gareth Southgate speaking out about the dangers young men face, to Netflix’s Adolescence exposing the darker corners of online male spaces, it feels like people are finally paying attention.
There’s been a lot of (sometimes misplaced) panic over the language men use online to talk about women. The modern-day equivalent of the classic Public Service Announcement might as well be: Do you know where your children are… on the internet? Are they using a coffee cup emoji? Are they ranting about the so-called “80/20 Rule”?
For those unfamiliar, the 80/20 Rule is a theory pushed by incel communities and the manosphere, claiming that 80% of single women are exclusively chasing the top 20% of men, leaving the rest in romantic exile. It’s a convenient way to blame women for a young man’s struggles with dating, rather than acknowledging that attraction is complex, individual, and deeply personal. It’s also just factually incorrect.
There was a time when it was far “easier” for men to get a girlfriend or wife—but that’s because women weren’t allowed to be independent. Until 1975, women in the UK couldn’t open a bank account without a male guarantor. Many were forced into marriage, not out of love, but out of necessity. Even marital rape wasn’t legally recognised until 1991. The reason dating seems “harder” now is simple: women have a choice. And some men resent that.
The fundamental issue with modern misogyny is that it frames women not as people, but as prizes. A generation ago, being male and having a stable income was enough to secure a relationship. Now, women are not only choosing their partners based on compatibility, but they’re also competing for the same jobs, rejecting societal expectations, and refusing to tolerate poor behaviour. For some men, this is an existential crisis.
Of course, rejection is painful—I get it. I date women too, and we can be awful. But you don’t see women forming extremist online communities, fantasising about rape and violence when they get ghosted. We complain to our friends, cry into a glass of wine, and sign up for a pottery class.
This is why the dating scene isn’t as bleak as these men claim. If straight men truly want to succeed in relationships, they need to stop wallowing in self-pity and start adapting. The modern dating landscape isn’t about whether you have a six-pack or a high salary—it’s about communication, emotional intelligence, and being a decent human being. The bar, frankly, is in hell.
It’s not difficult: ask questions, listen, be emotionally available, and for the love of God, don’t spend a first date monologuing about how you listen to Joe Rogan.
But even with these basics, straight women still face an uphill battle. My female friends tell me horror stories of men who become furious when they learn their date earns more, men who assume casual intimacy means marriage is imminent, and men who behave so erratically that they’re afraid to leave their drink unattended at the bar.
For all the talk about “high-value women,” I know I don’t fit their ideal. I’m over 30, queer, and not particularly fit. My face isn’t perfectly symmetrical, and my stomach isn’t flat. But none of that should determine my worth, nor should it be used as an excuse to reinforce the narrative that women are shallow, selective, or unfair. The men who cling to these justifications aren’t looking for love—they’re looking for someone to blame.
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That’s why it was so significant when Gareth Southgate used his Richard Dimbleby Lecture to highlight the toxic environment young men are being raised in. He pointed out that misogynist influencers, from Tate to lesser-known manosphere figures, exploit male insecurity by peddling a warped version of masculinity—one that measures success by dominance, views emotion as weakness, and treats women as the enemy.
It’s a miserable way to live, and the irony is that it’s not making men any happier either. Women worldwide are beginning to actively opt out of dating altogether. The South Korean 4B Movement rejects marriage, dating, and child-rearing, citing men’s treatment of women as the primary reason. And even in the West, countless women are de-centering men from their lives, with studies showing that single, child-free women are the happiest and most financially secure demographic.
But let’s be clear: this isn’t about men being inherently bad. Actual feminism—not the distorted version the manosphere promotes—acknowledges that patriarchy harms men too. Incels are often deeply lonely and in emotional pain, but they externalise that pain in destructive ways.
The solution isn’t for women to lower their standards or “fix” these men. The solution is for men to do the work themselves. Unfortunately, self-improvement takes effort. Watching an Andrew Tate video is much easier.
